Slap my own hand; pay no attention

I feel no shame in in following the lives of Hollywood's finest! I mean, who doesn't wanna know what a superstars life consists of? It's pop culture, it's entertainment, it's fun! 

When it comes to attention, even negative attention is better than no one caring at all. Or is it? What is it that intrigues us to follow stories and people that we absolutely cannot stand? At least we say we cannot stand them. Our actions reflect another truth. For instance. The Kardashians. I don't like them much. Most people claim not to, so why does their show have such a high number of viewers? I have looked at their Facebooks and Twitters and the comments go on for miles. Even the 'haters' comment. In fact, the haters comment more than the lovers.... or at least they have more to stay. So if you hate them why are you following them, reading about them, commenting to them, watching their show?  It's a riddle to me. I'll admit there are A FEW things I like about them. Having said that, the list of things I dislike about them is much longer.

The real reason for me writing this post is not the Kardashians. It's Miley Cyrus. I am going to admit that I am slightly disgusted with myself for even giving her this much attention, because I think she deserves none. In fact, the amount of attention she has gotten this last few weeks makes my stomach turn. Even though I find myself curious as to what the media has to say about her, I have forced myself to turn the channel ANY time I hear her name mentioned. It's my attempt, and challenge to myself to let my action follow my opinion. Watching E-News just now, which I love to watch, has informed me of more drama going on in Miley's life. This time having to do with her social media feud happening with Sinead O'Connor. It's an embarrassment to them both. I believe that Miley can sing. I even liked a few of her fun, light songs from her first albums, but her new image makes me sick.

First of all, I think it is such an honor to have a platform in the world, especially as a woman. However when a woman uses that platform to exploit herself, her body, her sexuality in a negative way... I am very disappointed. So many little girls have grown up with Miley. They have admired her and looked up to her. Yes, a woman should be 'real', but I am convinced that whatever that 'realism' is that you want to portray, there is a way to do it in a classy and respectable manner. We are all flawed humans, and I think it is great when people aren't ashamed of letting others see that. Miley is young. Is this an excuse for her horribly tacky behavior? No way. The woman, (and I use that word woman lightly here)  has accomplished in her short life more than most people will accomplish in a lifetime. So she has ever bit of intelligence and responsibility to be a GOOD role model to young girls AND old girls for that matter.  "Well if parents don't want their girls to follow Miley than they shouldn't let her." My response- give me a freaking break. Shut up even. She chose to start her career as a so called role model for young girls. My hope is that Miley does a classy public turn around. That would be the best case scenario. What an amazing thing for girls to witness. A super-star admitting she acted like a sleazy, uncouth, tramp.

Now that this is out of my system, I plan to boycott Miley. This blog was even way more attention than she deserved. Even from a nobody, normal chick like myself. The channel will get turned, the radio station will be changed, and outside of this blog I will slap my own hand and pay no attention.

Miley- be yourself. For the love of God... he created you as an individual, you should embrace it! Please just class it up honey. Realize your platform and go down as a respectable woman.

A new kind of year

I have officially gone without my children for an entire school year. Not by my own want, but because they have been placed somewhere else. My daughter and I have written to each other everyday- but it isn't the same. I know she misses me, and I miss her terribly. Not having been involved in every aspect of their life is something I have never experienced before. I can't imagine any parent who would want this. I want to warn parents, that if they make a mistake, and reach out for help, that that information might fall into the hands of the wrong people. People who will intervene in your families lives and change the childhood of your offspring forever. I hate to think if parents make a mistake- they should NOT reach out for help. Its been a sensitive topic. I find myself being punished at my upcoming hearing for reaching out for help through the years. I can only hope that my son and daughter will not suffer from this...too terribly. I'd like to think that hope has not been lost. It takes a village to raise a family, but when the villagers are fighting amongst themselves, what happens to that family? Jaecob and Jaelyn, I will always do the best I can by you. When I fall,when I make a mistake, I vow to you to always get back up and to fight for us. I hope in your lives when you fall, that you will fight for what you believe in as well.

Something Different

I was going to glance over my friends list to see who all is actually on it, but then I decided the hell with it. My nerves are racked at the thought of what people will think of me. 

Those of you who know me well, or even a little, know that when things are rough in my life I GO RUNNING!!!!

I hide, I don't return calls. The list goes on. 

This is my first step in changing how I cope. I have 257 'friends' on facebook.

I am having the worst time of my life. 

I have lost my children. CPS took them. I am falling apart. I don't know up from down. Left from right. I miss them so much and the pain is unbearable. 

I am reaching out to people on my page and asking for someone to pray for me. My kids. I need to forgive myself. My kids don't deserve this. I love them so much. I really need help and support right now. By support- I mean prayer and thoughts will suffice. It will be at least a year before I have them back. 

WTF am I going to do for a year? Not to mention I am broke, unemployed, and having a hard time finding reason to keep trying. 

I have NEVER written anything like this publically, but I am hoping that it will be a positive change I have made as opposed to the running I have been doing the past few months. 

I ask that this stay among people on my friends list.

Be a quitter!! Day 1

Day one.
Being a quitter is normally referenced as something negative. Except in the instance of smoking.
The mindset of a quitter:

~I light a cigarette, pull it to my mouth and say, man I should quit. This sucks.

~Did I really just spend $6 on a pack when I bought one last night?  Wow that's $12!! I could have bought 3 gallons of gas! Man this sux I need to quit.

~I belt out a really awesome note that I used to be able to sing with ease, and I feel the frog in my throat as my voice breaks. I think...ok...now I REALLY should quit smoking.

~Walking into a room full of non-smokers suddenly my clothing and hair REEK of smoke. As I run to the bathroom to wash up I think, this is disgusting I need to quit.

~I sit & listen to PC preach about how I am set free, how I have the power of Jesus in me. Don't I believe these things? I tell them to other people don't I? Wow, I really should quit smoking- I mean, the power of Jesus...and I can't stop lighting them?? Geezz Jess!

16 years of that everyday. But I still smoke. Until I am allowing the cigarette control me. My money. My day. What side of my body my kids can sit on so they don't breathe smoke. My health. Their health. Until one morning I wake up and say that's it.

~The sudden rush of Wonder Woman type strength pumping adrenaline thru my veins. I will NEVER smoke again!!!! (This of course before the withdrawals kick in)

~I debate on telling anyone, because telling is an actual commitment to someone besides myself. If I only tell me, then no one will know when I quit quitting.

~I tell a person or two.

~Their encouragement prompts me to go public. (scary) Now people are watching. And in my mind it's ALWAYS worse than it really seems.

~I eat lunch...now I want a cigarette. At this point I can still control it though. Even though the Wonder Woman rush is slowly beginning to wear off.

~I will probably make it through the rest of the day pretty easily. I will think about rewinding time & call off my quitting expedition, but at the end of the day I know I do wanna quit, I am set free in Jesus, and I can overcome this.

I was directed to the site I am posting below last fall by a friend of mine. I read it again today. I prayed the prayer. Hebrews 11:6 Without faith it is impossible to please God. Remind me of that. He answers prayers...he has set me free...now I have to have faith. Now I am a quitter!!! Yay for Day 1!!!

http://christianjourney.com/godsword/quitsmoking.html

~Hot Pink Hair~

A few months ago, Elysia and I took Jaelyn, Kyleigh, and Marian to get Kyleigh's haircut together. While we were there we had this brilliant idea to allow our girls to have pink streak highlights in their hair. This is an idea that Jaelyn and I have tossed around for the last few summers. I don't really see a problem with allowing her to do something like that. I know a lot of parents disagree.

This idea turned into 4 little girls sleeping over and me dying all of their little heads pink--and purple. These are the parts of being a Mommy that I love. Despite all of the chaos, drama, and diva moments these types of sleepovers bring, they give me lots and lots of joy. 

Letting my daughter have pink highlights is an example of a battle that I don't want to fight. She is so smart, so well behaved, and so sweet that I think allowing her to express herself through things like washable hair dye are healthy. It also gives me a way to bond with her, and to bond with her friends-which to me is most important of all.

In addition to the hot pink hair dye party for the girls, I also dyed Alicia's hair. We have not been able to spend a lot of 'girl' time together lately and so it was fun to streak her out.  (She looks amazing BTW) It was funny because during our hair dye session we had a friend call us for prayer. So with pink stained hands, foiled hair, in the middle of a messy bathroom we were able to still go to our God with our sister.  Our friend joked that one day Alicia would preach a sermon called 'pink hair dye'. 

I highly recommend grabbing a bottle of hot pink hair dye, your daughter, or a girlfriend. Good things happen!

Defending the Underdog

The underdog in this case is Amy Winehouse. I call her the underdog- because she was not expected to win. By winning I mean against her battle with drugs. If I had a dollar for every time I have read that Amy deserved to die b/c it's a consequence to drugs- I could have sent her to rehab myself.
What I think people don't understand, is that when you are on drugs- you are most likely already dead inside. Death seems like a step up to the person who is numbing their every moment with narcotics to escape whatever hell they are in. Self created hell or not. It's hell. Slap on being a celebrity and having your habits plastered across tabloids and I can't imagine that makes the journey any easier.
Whether or not she wanted to go to rehab...or did go...or didn't go... it doesn't matter. This is someones daughter, someones granddaughter, someones friend. Someone God created as his daughter, who never reached what he had planned for her. She's 27 and drugs killed her. So for those who think she deserved a consequence she got the worst one.
I happen to think if you have never made a mistake before- then you are pretty darn lucky. Maybe drugs aren't the mistake you made. However, anyone reading this I dare you to have a little fun with narcotics and see how easy it is for you to stop. Especially those of you in pain.
Don't get me wrong, I am not saying drugs are ok. I am not saying it wasn't her choice. I am not saying that she didn't deserve consequences. I am only saying people are really judgemental without having walked a day in someone elses shoes. Behind every drug addict is a deeper rooted problem often linked to deep rooted pain.

Writing & Journals & Blogging Oh My!

Within the last few weeks I mentioned to someone that I have been journaling for close to 15 years. I have countless journals overflowing with my rambling thoughts, stories of my life pictures, poems, music, and messages. She encouraged me to continue to do it, because my journals will be a legacy of my life for my children to look look back on one day.
Umm..? Do I want them to read through my life? I am not so sure, but I trust that while I am chilling out in heaven and they are unfolding my memories, it will not matter too much to me. I have always wanted to blog, but leaving my memories in a handwritten journal is intimidating enough! Where does this blog go when I press 'post blog'? Who will read it? Who will not read it? What will they think of me? Is it eternally and indefinitely laid into cyberspace? I don't have the answers to these questions.
What I do know is that I find it impossible at the end everyday to be less than entirely worn out if I try to be anyone other than me. Good or bad. So there you have it. Initiation into my blog. Wonderland Rhapsodies.
I could not think of any better two words to describe how I see my life.